BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
BLUE CHIP – A frozen uncooked vegetable you find at the back of the freezer, your standard fare for the next 12 months.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
DERIVATIVE – A biscuit often made with a chocolate coating on one side only.
EBIT -- Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
EBITDA -- Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor.
EQUITY -- A chance to be treated unfairly by bigger shareholders.
ESOP – A collection of fables.
EX DIVIDEND -- Last year's cheque.
EXCEPTIONAL ITEMS – Last year’s accounting magic slightly reworked for this years accounts.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
GAAP -- The difference between accounting book value and reality.
GEARING -– What you need when you get on your bike to look for your next career move.
HEDGING -- Your next career move.
IFRS -– International Fantasy Reporting Standards.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
MARK TO MARKET -– Throw away.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
MOODY -- A Financial Planner who is about to be come an Institutional Investor.
NAV -- Normalized Andersen Valuation
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
RIGHTS ISSUE -- The right to buy more of a share that you were trying to sell.
SSAP – Accounting rules for ssuckers.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
VAR – Value and run.
WINDFARMS – A collective investment scheme powered by warm air.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
WINDOWS VISTA -- What you see before you jump.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
YIELD – Give up and go home.